Today I took Nigel to a play date sponsored by a mommy networking site at a local mall's play area. Nigel crawled all over the place, squealed in delight at some kids and got plenty of hugs from two of his gal pals, my friend Stephanie's daughters. Every now and then I had to chase after him because he was trying to reach into someone's purse or steal a sippie cup. He was particularly drawn to one little girl's Dora backpack filled with dolls. Her mom and I laughed about it and chatted for a few and Nigel and I went on our way.
When it was time for us to go home for a nap, this mom and I chatted some more. And you could tell me had kinda picked me out of the crowd for a reason (I'm a wallflower so it's not like people flock to me b/c I'm the life of the party). And she had.... to ask questions.
She started with "Is he adopted?" No biggie, right? Everyone's curious. I mean, it's not like I'm hiding the fact that we don't look alike. It's obvious, my hair's straight and his is curly... haha. But then she said how great it was, so many kids need homes, blah, blah, blah. This doesn't really bother me, so to speak, but I don't need a pat on the back people. Plus, whenever someone goes on and on about how great something is, it makes me wonder if they're really just trying to make themselves believe they're OK with it when they're really not. She asked to hold him, which I would never ask a stranger that but I let her (and mentally plotted how quickly I could sanitize him when we got to the car).
So at this point I'm kinda nodding along and trying to quickly cram Nigel into the stroller when she hits me with this: "So, could you not have kids of your own?" I knew this would happen eventually, but come on... I JUST met this woman. I mumbled something about it being part of our plan and got outta there.
I talked with Tim about it, but his philosophy is, "If they aren't asking to be mean, I'll answer their questions." I'm just the opposite. This woman wasn't trying to be hurtful (I don't think), but to me, asking an adoptive mom you just met whether or not they can or can't have biological children would be like me asking a bio mom how many times she and her partner had to have sex before they conceived! None of your BIDNESS! Plus, as Nigel gets older and becomes more aware of what people are saying, what is he going to make of it all? How will those questions make him feel?
All of this DOES bring me to a point. I feel like I walk a really fine line between wanting to spread the word about adoption and answering people's questions AND just being Nigel's mom and getting the same amount of respect and privacy as every other mom out there. People who ask these invasive questions don't really want to know about adoption so why should I bother; they're just being nosy. I've got canned responses like "That's really personal" or "Why do you ask" in my head, but I never seem to get them out. How do you respond to these folks? - Sarah
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5 comments:
Ugh....The retorts always sound so good in my head until I need to say them. I usually just say, "He is my own, why do you ask?" which in my head makes them feel stupid for even asking, but I'm sure it doesn't!! Looking forward to hearing your responses!
yeah, I like the "she IS my own" answer. but will probably be stunned to actually come up with it in the moment. I have had the presence of mind to say "why do you ask?" once or twice when asked whether Elsa is adopted.
I had someone tell me once that you should be sure to use the word "adopted" as a verb and not an adjective. In other words, say "I adopted her" and NOT "she is adopted". This way, the adoption is not describing the child, but instead the way the child joined the family. A subtle distinction, but one that seems important.
I just finished reading Cross Cultural Adoption: How To Answer Questions from Family, Friends & Community. It has some good answers for situations like this. I think it will be a book I'll want to look at many times in the future. I don't know if it's realistic to be able to have great, positive language answers at the tip of your tongue when unexpected questions are posed. It is almost like they need to be rehearsed. It's a tuff situation and I could see myself handling it just like you did.
I really like, "OH, no, you must not understand. With adoption, he is completely our own. Forever and ever. You must be thinking of fostering which sometimes is only a temporary placement."
They tend to feel pretty silly after that and don't press the subject. (me? passive aggressive? never!)
I agree that usually it's such a great opportunity to educate people. But some folks are just *clueless* in the tact department.
What I am thinking is the flip of that question would be to ask "Oh did you try to adopt and not pass the homestudy?" or "Oh can you not afford to adopt..how sad" How would they feel??? If only we could explain it like that!
Congrats on the baby...we are waiting to bring our 2 home!
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